Always Be
by knockplease
Summary: I think I've always loved you. Tallest slash.


**A/N: **It's Slash.

**Disclaimer: **The Tallest and all other IZ-related mentions are belong to Jhonen. The Vorlons are borrowed from JMS and his masterpiece, _Babylon 5_.

**Always Be**

I felt it the second you were born. Less than a minute old, something stirred inside me and I could not ignore it. I didn't even know my own name, but I knew that you existed. I stepped out of line and watched you activate. Your eyes found mine and I remember how I couldn't look away. I felt embarrassed, but all I could do was stare and blush while you stared back at me.

I never did get you off my mind.

I watched you differently from all the others growing up. I couldn't put my finger on what it was that seemed to fascinate me so. We used to sit on the roof of the Academy, even though it was strictly prohibited, and watch the stars. We imagined all the outer-space adventures we'd have – becoming space pirates was always your favorite. Epic battles and exaggerated narratives always ending with "happily ever after" were a common reoccurrence.

You complained that you were cold one night, hugging your knees tight to your chest. I remember rolling my eyes and pulling you against me. I wrapped my arms around you, and you never asked me to let go. We stayed on the roof, sitting like that for so much longer than we should have, until both of us were hardly able to keep our eyes open. I nudged you awake and you stirred. Still half asleep, you nodded and moved to stand. You managed a 180-degree turn, and fell into my lap with a startled, wide-eyed look that indicated you were entirely clueless. Maybe it was because I was so tired, but your expression amused me. I laughed. You smiled and leaned forward and kissed me. I wasn't as startled as I should've been. We didn't acknowledge it in the morning, nor did we mention that we'd fallen asleep in the same bed again.

I never did get your taste off my lips.

In training, I only ever sparred with you. You were really the only one I wanted attention from. One day a wrestling match started over types of nacho cheeses ended with both of us losing our virginity on my bedroom floor. I'll never forget that, as long as I live. The stumbling awkwardness of inexperience, clumsy, uncoordinated movements, trembling hands and constant questioning, "_am I doing this right" _and "_are you okay"_, so much trust… I couldn't have imagined for it to have been more perfect. I held you in the after, as close as I could, hoping that maybe I could disappear into you forever. You slept and I just stared.

When you woke up and stared back, I knew I'd never be able to look away again.

Things went without a single problem for years. Nothing at all until we were promoted to Invader status, and given jobs that meant years at a time away from each other. I thought it was pure selfishness to demand that you stay committed to me, especially when we would have such limited communication with each other. Moreover, it was a dangerous job, and both of us would be putting our lives at risk. We would have been far too young if forced to deal with the death of a mate.

"_Don't look at me like that."_

"_I'm _sorry, _but I just had my fucking heart ripped out and handed to me."_

"_Oh, come on… we probably wouldn't have made it anyway."_

"_What the hell do you base _that _on?!"_

"_Nobody finds a life-mate when they're as young as we were."_

"_You're pathetic, Red. I've seen through you since the day we were born."_

"_Please. Don't make this harder than it has to be."_

_SLAP_

I watched you start to cry, and I knew I deserved it.

"_Coward."_

I didn't see you again until Conventia, among those given exclusive invitations to have our heights measured by the Control Brain, to ensure the accuracy of our Pak data and decide the new Tallest. In a crowd of millions, I only saw you. Everything inside me ached, but I couldn't take my eyes off you. I think I stopped breathing when you looked in my direction and recognized me… you seemed fairly shocked as well. I just watched you watching me and tried to smile, but the expression I managed was pained and weak and pathetic. A group of people passed between us and you were gone. I held my face in my hands felt a wave of despair unlike anything I'd ever felt before.

"_Hey."_

I couldn't have been more shocked to see you standing next to me.

"_It's… um, it's been a while. How are things?"_

Such awkwardness between us, but the sound of your voice alone filled me with incredible relief. I smiled at you, really smiled, for the first time in years, "_Absolutely miserable. What about you?"_

I had caught you a bit off guard, but you smiled back at me. "_Do you want the truth, or what I had planned on telling you?"_

"_What did you plan on telling me?"_

I watched your smile grow as you shook your head, wearing an expression that acknowledged I hadn't changed. "_Things are incredible. Never been better."_

"_That bad, huh?"_

You sighed. "_Yeah."_

Silence.

"_Congratulations on Dilabor, by the way."_

"_Oh, thanks. You didn't do too badly with Iniuria, either."_

I nodded, staring at the floor. "_I miss you."_

It was clear you hadn't been expecting to hear me say that, and you kept quiet for a long time. "_I'm sorry you feel that way."_

"_Not your fault."_

"_Look, they're getting ready to start soon… would you want to grab some dinner later, or a drink or something?"_

I can only imagine how I must've looked. "_Yeah, sure, I'd love to, I mean, that'd be great."_

I remember you showed up ten minutes late.

"_It's okay," _I said, "_I didn't expect you'd show at all."_

You sighed and looked away. "_I wasn't going to."_

"_I know."_

"_What? How?"_

"_The same way you knew I'd be here whether you came or not. I just know you."_

"_You _used _to know me, Red."_

"_Touché."_

"…_That's it? You're not going to argue?"_

"_No."_

"_Why not?"_

"_Because I can't."_

"_What's wrong with you?"_

"_For the first time in a long while, things are actually _right_. Or as right as they can be, given the circumstances I put myself in. I'm not going to yell or argue or challenge. There was a time when I'd be too proud to admit it, but honestly Pur, just hearing you talk makes me happier than I can remember being."_

"_I don't know what you expect me to say, Red."_

"_You don't have to say _anything_, just stay with me a while longer."_

You laughed, but the sound was hollow and bitter. "_Now that sounds familiar. Where I have heard it before?"_

I desperately wanted to look away, to cast my eyes at the ground and stare at the cracks in the pavement instead of meeting your hard, unfaltering glare. I had never been able to tear my eyes from you and I wished with every fiber of my being that I could. An old wound reopened and I felt myself bleeding out.

"_Oh, I'm _sorry_, Red, am I making this _harder than it has to be_?"_

My words from your mouth all these years later were harsh and biting. "_No," _I said, "_I deserve a lot worse."_

You looked surprised for a moment before crossing your arms and muttering to yourself, "_Well there's one thing we both agree on." _Directly at me, you asked, "_What are you hoping to get out of this?"_

"_I just want to remember."_

"_You can do that with or without me, you know."_

"_No, I can't."_

"_And why, pray tell, is that?" _You asked, rolling your eyes.

"_I can't remember what it feels like without you."_ Your expression indicated that you had no idea what I was trying to imply. "_Being happy."_

"_And you called _me _a Drama Queen."_

"_You know I was only kidding. I always gave you whatever you wanted."_

"_Except when it mattered." _You reminded bitterly.

"…_Except when it mattered." _I echoed.

"_I've had enough of this. I don't even know why I came."_

"_Yes, you do."_

"_What?"_

"_You know why you're here."_

"_Have you been spending time with the Vorlons? You've got the cryptic talk down quite well."_

"_You always change the subject."_

"_There is no subject!"_

"_Now who sounds like a Vorlon?"_

"_Real mature, Red."_

"_You started it."_

"_Way to prove my point. You haven't changed at all."_

"_Neither have you, despite how much you keep telling yourself you have."_

"_You don't know the _first thing _about me."_

"_I know _everything _about you."_

"_You _used to _know everything about me." _I still wasn't used to your forceful, abrasive tone.

"_You're right. But if you think for a second that I've forgotten any of it, you're wrong."_

"_You know my _history, _Red. Things change."_

"_I'm willing to bet you've never screamed for anyone the way you did for me."_

"_Don't flatter yourself."_

"_I bet you still like that spot right under your jaw," _I traced over the skin on your neck lightly, "_don't you?"_

"_Red,"_

"_You still like it slow. You like to touch and tease and taste, and wait as long as you possibly can. I know exactly how you move. I know the sounds you make, and I'm willing to bet I still know how to get you to make them."_

"_You're ridiculous."_

"_Don't believe me, huh?" _Emboldened by the knowledge that I had nothing to lose, I took a step toward you, breaking into your personal space. You seemed to withdraw a bit, but you'd never backed down from me before and you sure as hell weren't about to start now. You stared at me, defiantly.

"_You're wrong."_

"_When I touch you here," _I said, brushing my fingers over a few vertebrae midway down your back, "_You close your eyes and sigh."_

You responded exactly how I had predicted you would, though you attempted to play it off as a simple shudder.

"_You throw your head back and gasp and sometimes whisper when I do this." _I ran my tongue across your collarbone and the shallow dip between where bone ended and muscle began.

"_Please, Red…" _You whispered, head thrown back with a gasp.

I sucked on the skin at the base of your neck, above my previous focus. "_This makes you squeal once, and then gasp if I keep going. And when I do this," _I said, running a hand over your antennas, "_Your whole body shudders. When I do it with my tongue, you _always _call my name. Face it, Purple, I know _every inch _of you."_

And then you kissed me.

Hard.

I thought I'd been dreaming, until I felt you bite my lower lip so hard I winced. You ran your tongue over it and into my mouth and I felt if I died in that instant, I would have been happy.

"_One more time."_ You said, "_Just tonight, and that's it."_

"_God, you don't know how much I've missed you."_

"_I mean it. This is closure."_

"_Whatever you want."_

"_I want one last time with you, and then I want this to end. For good, understand?"_

"_Okay."_

"_The place I'm staying at is only a few blocks away. God, Red, if you keep doing that I'm not going to make it that far."_

"_That's fine with me."_

"_Damnit, let's go."_

I remember the awkward stagger down the three blocks it was to your hotel. The empty elevator we stumbled into, my back pressed against one of its walls with my legs wrapped around your waist. Your hips pressing against mine after so many years, the sound of your voice, your hands anxious to do away with clothes and claim more territory. That ride felt like it went on forever. We hurled ourselves out of the car when it finally came to a stop, fumbled with your room key, and collapsed to the floor. I couldn't process any of what was happening. My senses were on overload, each nerve ending blazing like you'd set me on fire. I couldn't stop touching you; it was as if I feared that you would disappear if I took my hands off of you for even a second. I thought I knew what it meant to need something, I thought I knew how much I needed you… but that night, I learned how wrong I'd been.

There's always a gap between fantasy and reality. You've always been better in the real than any fantasy I could conjure, in every way.

You remembered everything that drove me crazy. Every touch, every kiss, when and where they were most effective… God, I'd never had a more intense experience in my life. I helped you climax first, felt you bucking underneath me, losing control of your hips and breaking our movement, making your gasping sounds and half-words. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep myself under control much longer, but you told me not to stop.

"_Please… it's been so long."_

"…_I love you so much."_

We made love all night, pushing ourselves well beyond what our bodies were capable of, what we _knew _they were capable of, completely disregarding the pain we knew we'd be in the next day. I asked you if you were sure you wanted to keep going at one point, and you just looked down at me, gently brushing the back of your hand across my forehead.

"_Do _you _want to keep going?"_

"_More than anything."_

"_Good. Because I haven't tasted all of you yet."_

"_Fuck, I miss you. You have no idea how much I've missed you."_

"_Shhh, Red… don't think about that. Think about this." _You said, breathing hot against the damp skin on my neck.

It didn't take anything more to convince me.

I remember the exhaustion, when both of us finally gave in to the demands of our bodies and reluctantly, finally stopped. You kissed me goodnight and then rolled onto your side, facing away from me. I reached out to hold you but you had moved too far away, and I'd only brushed against your arm. You turned toward me with a serious expression.

"_I meant what I said about tonight. This is where it ends."_

"…_I only wanted to hold you."_

"_If I let you hold me, Red, you'll never let me go."_

In that moment, I knew what you felt when your hand collided with my face all those years ago. I realized just how much pain my words had caused you, and I was ashamed for having done something so terrible to the person I loved above all others. It was for this reason that I couldn't get angry. I didn't argue or try to fight, just stared at you like some kind of pathetic and wounded creature until I absolutely knew I couldn't fight my tears.

"_I'll go. …Is it all right if I use your shower?"_

You turned away from me again and muttered that it was fine. I cried for hours, curled up in a corner of your shower while it ran and muffled my sounds. You were in the adjacent room and I'd never missed you more.

I woke up to the sound of a slamming door, still sitting in the shower that was still running. I was thankful that it hadn't turned cold, and the heat had managed to keep my already over-strained body from feeling too much of the sleeping-in-a-shower stiffness. I was still in serious pain, but I'd been expecting that. My brain was too numb to really process anything. I didn't move. Didn't think. Tried to pretend that maybe I could dissolve into nothing because that's what I was without you.

"_Fuck!" _I heard you shout, even over the sound of the running shower, "_Fuck, that was so _fucking stupid_! Why did I do that, why did I let him do this to me again?! The bastard can't even be bothered to turn off the shower, God damnit, I never should have said _anything _to him in the first place, I should have let it fucking go, I _knew _this would happen! He left me once and it was easy enough, why _wouldn't _he leave me again? He was going to leave _anyway _once this stupid thing was over, why the fuck did it have to be _him_? Why can't I just let him go?"_

"…_It wasn't easy." _I said hesitantly, silencing the shower and finally on my feet, but not stepping into view. "_I never wanted to leave you."_

"_Red?! What the fuck are you doing here?!"_

"_I fell asleep."_

"_In the shower?"_

"…_Yeah."_

"_Wait… were you in here _crying_?"_

"_It's not important."_

"_Damnit, you really _haven't _changed."_

"_You said that it was over last night and you didn't want any more after that. I thought I'd be okay with it but the truth is, Purple, I can never really be content with just one more time. I will never be able to stop wanting that extra fraction of a second with you. I'm never going to stop loving you. I thought that by breaking us up, I'd save us both future heartache; that it would hurt, but it'd protect us in the long run, and I was wrong. It was the logical thing to do, the most practical answer, but it was wrong. I loved you more than I could ever have said in words. You were my world, and I broke your heart. I kept waiting for the pain to go away, but it never got any easier. I've lived the last god-knows-how-many years of my life knowing that I had what everyone in this universe would kill for, and instead of fighting for it, I let it go. … I'm sorry I left the shower on…."_

I remember silence. I remember wondering if maybe you'd walked out while I was speaking. I heard it after a few moments, the sound that anyone else would have missed. You were crying. For a moment, the only thought I had was '_how absurd do the two of us look; I'm crying in the shower and he's out there, crying in the bathroom. Aren't we a sight?' _

The sound of the shower door opening caught my attention, and I looked up to see you standing almost shyly, still crying against your will before you wrapped your arms around my neck and closed the gap between us. I felt you cry as tears spilled down my cheeks and I held you as close as I could, and I knew you were right.

I would never be able to let you go.

"_Why can't I stop loving you?"_

I couldn't answer. After all that I had put you through, there was no logic that could possibly offer an explanation. "_You should hate me for what I've done to you. _I _hate me for what I've done to you." _

"_Don't hate yourself, Baby, just… just stay with me. Please. I don't think I can watch you leave again."_

I don't know how long we stood in silence, holding onto each other and crying together in that hotel shower, but we stayed that way until our legs ached.

"_Let's go back to bed." _I suggested, feeling you begin to nod off in my arms, "_I think we could both use some real sleep."_

I held you like I used to, and I was happy.

When I woke up you were grinning at me. It was an expression I hadn't seen in years and couldn't help but smile at.

"_I miss seeing you smile like that."_

"_I've missed having a reason to."_

"_So… where do we go from here?"_

"_Well, I think breakfast is a good place to start. I'm pretty sure we can get room service. I don't feel like getting out of bed just yet."_

"_I was thinking more along the lines of 'us', but breakfast works too."_

You fumbled through the contents of the bedside table drawer, looking for the room service menu. "_Just remember what happened last time you thought too hard about what to do about 'us'. Nothing we planned for ever worked out. Our lives just sorta fell into place when we weren't looking."_ You emerged victorious, holding the menu in your hand and settling beside me again. "_How many orders of donuts should we get?"_

"_What about all the shit,"_

"_Do you love me, Red?"_

I was thrown off by the change of topic, but didn't have to think about my answer. "_Yes."_

"_Do you promise not to leave?"_

"_Yes."_

"_Then I don't care about what happened before. I don't want to spend any more time on it than I already have. I forgive you, I don't blame you, and I don't resent you."_

"_Does that mean you'll take me back?"_

You kissed my forehead. "_It means I already have. Whatever happens after this doesn't matter. We'll make it work, we always have."_

"_Nice to know your optimism is still intact."_

"_It's great to see your cynicism, too."_

"_I'm not a cynic."_

"_Thus proves my point."_

I sighed. "_Really, Pur, nothing shy of _Deus Ex Machina _is going to make this possible."_

"_Well then, we'll just have to hope for divine intervention."_

"_We don't even _have _deities, Babe."_

"_That's always been your problem."_

"_What?"_

"_You assume that just because something is unlikely to happen that it's impossible. For all we know, we'll end up the next Tallests."_

"_Irk hasn't had two Tallests in millenniums. And the odds of that… don't get me started. But regardless of whatever happens, I won't lose you again."_

You smiled. "_Glad that's settled. Now, for the bigger decision: what do you want for breakfast?"_

* * *

I'll never know why I think so much about what's come before during these moments. I watch you as you sleep and I am reminded of everything that I have ever been and all that the two of us have gone through, but none of it can touch me. Right now, it feels like we are both infinite. We have always been and we will always be.

"I'm not _that _interesting, you know." You yawn, "I don't know why it makes you so happy to watch me sleep."

"It gets me thinking, that's all."

"You, _thinking_? I _knew _I smelled something burning…."

"Oh, someone's a master of comedy this morning, are they?"

"Where have _you _been? I'm a master of _everything_." You grinned.

"Yes, there's that, too." I said, "I thought it went without saying."

You laugh, "Good to know we're on the same page."

"Want to know something, Pur?"

You nod.

"I've always loved you."

* * *

**A/N: **There ya go, a nice little Valentine's Day fic with a happy ending. I so rarely give them a happy ending, I figured they deserved it. Not sure how I feel about the formatting. Reviews make me a better writer, so please, feel free to comment. Flames, as always, will be laughed at.

- I know that Irkens grow up underground. For the sake of this fic, pretend there's a dome or something over a random area.

- I don't own the Vorlons (I'd love to BE a Vorlon, but I'd be terrible at it); they are from the genius mind of J. Michael Straczynski, The Most Brilliant Storyteller in All Possible Worlds. Irk wouldn't hold a candle to the Vorlons, though.


End file.
